Our Son-Rise Journey

Maria’s Story

16/05/17 at 12.08pm   /   by sdcarlson   /   0 Comment

“Your greatest power lies in touching

someone’s life and changing it forever.”

– Pablo Rounder

I wanted to do something different with my blog over the summer.  After a discussion with a wonderful friend, I realized how inspiring and compelling it would be to hear about Luke’s Son-Rise journey from perspectives other than mine.  I am so excited to share that over the next few months, Luke’s volunteers as well his dad will be sharing their individual and unique Son-Rise experiences and journeys.   I am also planning on sharing a perspective from an interview with Luke’s youngest and biggest fan, his sister.

I am so excited for you to see the beautiful world and amazing people Son-Rise has so elegantly woven into our lives.  Luke and we as a family are forever grateful for these very special, amazingly open-hearted individuals that have touched our lives and literally changed them forever.

Meet Maria and here is her story…..

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Lucas is an 8-year-old boy that has forever changed my life.  This boy has shown me a different world, a beautiful world.  I was going through personal struggles, stuck in a dark place.  My mother told me about a job offer with special needs children.  I have encountered many with special needs, but had no work experience in the field.  On the first day of work, the teacher showed me around her room.  Every Paraprofessional was paired with a student.  My student was Lucas.

The children were taken off the bus.  There was a boy screaming and crying and unable to calm down.  His tears were painful to watch and hear.  This boy was hurting, struggling but there was nothing any of us could do to help.  I sat by Lucas on the floor and waited.  Over the weeks I got to know Lucas very well.  He always listened to what he was supposed to do, but never seemed happy.  There were many tantrums throughout the days, often hunched over in pain, full of frustration, and incapable of communicating.  Lucas hardly looked me in the eyes, and cringed if I touched him.  There was so much distance between the world and this lost boy.  I grew to care very deeply for Luke.  He would say my name, asking specifically for me to take him to class.  I knew there was a relationship.  It was all he could give, but it was more than enough for me.

Working with special need children became a passion of mine.  So I joined a summer camp called SCAMP.  This is where Shannon (Lucas’s mom) approached me.  She asked me to join The Son-Rise program.  Immediately I was intrigued.  I read though the description and couldn’t wait to sign up.

I would work with Lucas twice a week in the playroom, constantly running around doing exactly as he did.  Joining this amazing child’s world, putting myself in his shoes and wanting to understand his complex perspective.  Over time I would catch him looking at me, seeing me as person rather than an object.  As the sessions continued he smiled more, he looked at me, and used his words rather than using tantrums as a way to communicate. The Son-Rise program has not only changed me but is saving Lucas from a lonely misunderstood life.

Today Lucas is laughing, playing games, and showing compassion and love for others around him.  He is now seeing how wonderful the world is and how impactful relationships can be.  This boy is going to recover from autism through the Son-Rise program and all of his loved ones around him are going to be the reason why!

“No one has ever met me – they have only met their beliefs about me.”

16/05/05 at 10.32am   /   by sdcarlson   /   0 Comment

“No one has ever met me – they have only met their beliefs about me.”

Post Title Quote By Barry Neil Kaufman

So this is going to be a different kind of blog entry then I usually do.  It is about my own personal growth through the use of the Option Dialogue Process in congruence with some meditation exercises I have most recently been taught.  Son-Rise is as much a parent-centered program as it is a child-centered one in the fact that Son-Rise views the parent’s attitude as an integral part in loving and inspiring growth in their children and in running a successful Son-Rise program.   I hope my thoughts and experience speaks to you all and helps you in your own personal journeys.  Enjoy!

secret to happiness

Out of the following shortcuts in learning to choose happiness in my daily life (Making happiness the priority, Personal authenticity, Letting go of judgements, Being present, Being grateful, Deciding to be happy) as outlined in Barry Neil Kaufman’s book, Happiness is a Choice, I continually struggle with one in particular.  So as I personally dive in and explore one aspect of why this is true,  I am going to take you all on this self-exploration with me.  I feel this is one we all struggle with.  It is Letting go of judgments!

I believe this act of letting go of judgements is a two-way street.  This includes letting go of passing my own judgements as well as how I receive judgements from another person.  If I am hurt by someone’s judgement of me, I am ultimately choosing to judge that person and give their judgement power over my feelings as a result.  In actuality judgements limit our ability to think and ultimately can destroy what we personally are trying to accomplish in our lives.

We all use judgments in order to create beliefs that protect and support ourselves as well as to help us understand and navigate our world.  Judgements are often self-righteous and can be the very thing that keeps us from growing, changing and ultimately being happy. What’s the alternative?  Acceptance!  Acceptance allows us to open ourselves up to understanding as well as in creating peace in our lives.

I recently came across the following statement in an older blog entry of Barry Kaufman’s,  and it truly resonates with me as to what I am experiencing at the moment.  It reads:

“No one has ever met me – they have only met their beliefs about me.”

We see the people around us through our personal lenses based on our individual belief systems, but really how accurate are our beliefs about the person we are judging?  Do we seek to understand from a place of love and acceptance before jumping to a self-righteous conclusion or judgement?

Another wonderful tool Barry mentions is gratitude.  As I mentioned, judgments usually bring about unhappiness.  Being grateful for the experience of unhappiness can always be a useful way to look at yourself and give yourself an opportunity for growth and change.

I needed to revisit this particular shortcut to happiness because of an experience I have been dealing with for some time now.   I have continually noticed one person in particular avoiding speaking with me at pretty much all costs, literally turning and leaving the room if they see me coming.    I recently discovered that I was being avoided because of their belief that I always tend to dominate our conversations.  Knowing my personal intentions, my initial choice of feelings were hurt, then anger, which of course only fueled my unhappiness.  After enough unhappiness and self-limiting beliefs ensued, I decided to take what I have learned from Barry Kaufman and the option dialogue process and revisit my belief system.  I chose to look at this as an opportunity to learn something about myself, a possible opportunity to grow.

After much self-exploration, I did find that I felt this judgement, which I presently do not view as good or bad, to be true.  I do tend to dominate conversations.  And then the Aha moment…the true reason for the hurt and anger!  I had bought into the idea that this judgement was a bad thing.  As I went deeper into my dialogue, I also discovered my own personal reasons I do this.

Before I began this journey with my son, I was the unbelievably quiet and reserved listener, an introvert by nature.  I never had much to say and really was the “go-to”person among my friends for a listening ear.  However, when Lucas was diagnosed with autism and his many health-related issues emerged, it took everything in me to find a voice, my voice.  Because of the love I have for my children and my natural inclination to provide an environment that allows them only opportunities,  I had to fight with everything I had in order to wade through all of the nonsense being sent in our direction.  Speaking out with such tenacity and conviction became a necessary mechanism to be heard and effect change in my son’s health, his well-being, his future….his happiness!  Through these past 5 years of fighting, I have found myself rising to a place of leadership.  The people around me were now wanting to hear what I had to say and eager to pick up on the passion that I exuded.  Another realization I had during this self-exploration is I found that I often default to speaking from this place of leadership and dominance when I am uncomfortable with the person with whom I am speaking, often as a way to control the discomfort and situation around me.

So, what to do with this information now that I am aware ?  Firstly, I try to continually keep in mind that I am always doing the best I can in any given moment based on my current beliefs.  We all do!  In doing this dialogue, I really did realize that through this journey with Lucas, I had lost my ability to listen.  I am talking about the ability to REALLY listen with complete interest,  without intent to give advice or an opinion and without a mentality of how does what this person is saying apply to me.  Now that I understood my reasons, I wanted to think about how it affects the people around me and this person in particular.  The conclusions I came to is that although I have adapted this way to serve a greater purpose in my fight for my son, ultimately I believe that listening is also a very important tool that will serve him even more so.  I also seriously desire to show my true intentions to the people in my life and feel it is important that they feel heard and loved by me.

Although opinions have already been formed about me and first impressions are near impossible to change,  I now have the tools that allow me to make the decision to change and can clearly see the steps in getting there.  I can search for that happy medium of being a fighting voice for my son and an inspiring leader, but also make a moment-to-moment conscious effort to more effectively listen to the people I encounter and care about.  So here I am letting go of judgements, effecting change within myself!  That unhappiness I felt as a result of this judgement has dissipated.  I have a better understanding of myself which in effect has given me the gift of resolve and happiness.

 

OK.  So I can’t let a blog go by without sharing something about Lucas.  His affection and awareness of me as his mother, Brad as his father, Ashlyn as his sister, his volunteers as his friends, etc. has reached another level entirely.  He is beginning to talk about the people in his life with affection, reach out for us for comfort/physical affection and most recently Lucas showed for the first time that he missed Brad and I while we were gone on vacation.  He was sad while we were gone and the smile and love we received when we returned was beyond anything we have ever witnessed.

I’m going to share a short video of a sweet affectionate moment with one of our volunteers.

And because I am equally impressed and amused with her knowledge of the slinky song and her willingness to sing it, as I promised her, I am going to share it with all of you to enjoy!  So Fun!

 

 

Becoming a Force of Nature – A Wonderful Catastrophe

16/04/19 at 12.47pm   /   by sdcarlson   /   0 Comment

Becoming a Force of Nature – A Wonderful Catastropheforce of natureThis is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community, and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can.

I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no “brief candle” for me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.
                                                                                                      -George Bernard Shaw

Shortly after Lucas was formally diagnosed, I remember reading my first biography about a mother who unrelentingly recovered her child from autism.  She made a bold statement at the end of the book stating that she believed her tenacity and conviction is what allowed the events to take place that led to her son’s recovery.   Tenacity has always been a well-known characteristic of mine.  After I read this section, I turned to my son with a smile, and said, “We are so in!  We’ve got this!”  I realized in that moment what my purpose was, and I wasn’t going to stop reaching for it until my dream for my son was realized.  I chose to take that little bit of light left in me and allowed myself to become strong enough to rise up from the desperation I felt.   I unknowingly became what Son-Rise likes to call a force of nature!

A force of nature….a natural phenomenon that humans cannot control!  It is full of energy, unstoppable, unchallengeable, unforgettable!  A force of nature can accomplish things when others give up or give in.

When I attended Son-Rise a few years after my son’s diagnosis, they touched on what it really meant to be a force of nature and how important it was in reaching for the unreachable for our very special children.  We were also given the tools on how to execute and fulfill our purpose for our children.

Clarity of Purpose being the first step.  Having a clarity of purpose is being able to tell people exactly what you are going to accomplish with a calm and unshakable sense of certainty.  You have to decide to make a difference and create clear principles to support that purpose.   My clarity of purpose was and continues to be showing my love and acceptance of my son through my interactions with him, loving him as he is, while still giving him every opportunity to grow.  I will never limit his ability to achieve, nor will I define his worth through a need for achievement.  He will always be loved and accepted as the beautiful human being that he is.

Conviction becomes such an important aspect of carrying out your purpose.  This is whole-heartedly believing in what you are doing (your purpose) and creating beliefs that support them.  Aspiring to live your life as you wish and living your life as if you are a force of nature.  I have definitely chosen to take the less-traveled path with my son through this program.  I pulled him out of a school that was highly revered for their special needs program.  I stopped ABA therapy, which is the agreed-upon prescribed therapy for children on the spectrum.  I sought out well-known medical and homeopathic doctors specializing in autism across the country to help heal our son physically, and I was alienated and asked to leave many mainstream medical practices as a result.  I did all of these things because my clarity of purpose was so strong for my son.

Taking daring action and standing tall even in the face of opposition is what it takes to put your purpose into effect and to ultimately begin realizing your dreams. Hiding from your purpose  for fear of judgement makes you become closed off and keeps you from growing.   You don’t need to be strong enough to lift and change the world.  I found that you just need to be strong enough to hold on to your place in the world and brave enough to live out your purpose even in the face of opposition and judgement.  Many looked at me as if I was crazy for going against the grain and choosing differently for Lucas.  The choices I made seemed simple and straight forward to me.  I believed in my purpose with such certitude, I didn’t see how I could choose any other path for our son.  This program was entirely focused on my child’s needs and centered on inspiring him to grow through love, respect, acceptance and most importantly on his timeline not ours.  I also loved its emphasis on being grateful for our children and truly not needing anything in particular to happen in order to show them that they are loved, valued, accepted and appreciated!  Their existence alone was enough to merit these things.  My conviction in this was so strong that I did much of this without the support or encouragement from my surrounding autism community.

Passion!  If there is anything that is going to inspire growth and move your purpose into action, it is this.  Give it all you got!  Personify an energy based on sheer will!  Move as if you have purpose pulling yourself in the direction of your goals through purposeful actions!  When you do this, you are putting all of your 51 trillion cells of energy into your purpose which intentionally affects your physiology and changes you and the world around you.  Passion strengthens every aspect of your purpose.

Lastly, persistence cannot be overlooked. As Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman) stated, most of us give up on our dreams, before we even pursue them.  Persistence is believing so much in your purpose, that you never give up.  Time is of no consequence.  It is knowing that no matter how long it takes, living out your purpose is a success in itself. Success and failure are viewed with such an unwavering detachment that it serves as our teacher and compels us to keep going.  Unforeseen events are rare and of little consequence because of the depth of self-understanding and the belief in your purpose is so deeply rooted.

“When you become a Force of Nature, there are never any regrets because giving of yourself so deeply and fully is in itself its own reward” – Barry Neil Kaufman

When you truly become a force of nature,  life becomes an adventure and your accomplishments then become milestones in your journey!  Living with purpose and clarity adds a level of authenticity that is so rewarding.  Lucas is thriving and through this journey with my son, I have learned how to be unstoppable, unchallengeable, unforgettable and to truly live MY life to the fullest without apology or the need for affirmation.

 

Side Note:  I wanted to include a recent video of my newest volunteer.  She is doing amazingly and is such a bright light.  Lucas is already taking to her because of her genuine, authentic nature.  She is a perfect fit for this program and I feel fortunate she has joined our team.  A little taste of the bond her Lucas are already sharing.  Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

The Power of the Dreamers and the Doers

16/04/08 at 3.02pm   /   by sdcarlson   /   0 Comment

 

surround-yourself-with-the-dreamers-and-the-doers-the-believers-and-thinkers-quote-1“It is the dreamers who become doers that change lives and change the world as we know it…often for the better if they have a sense of love, kindness, caring and inclusion in their thoughts and in their hearts.”

-Barry Neil Kaufman

I am at a crossroads in this program in having to say goodbye to one of my “original” Son-Rise volunteers, Heather, as she graduates college and begins a new journey in Colorado.  She has been with us since the inception of our Son-Rise program (now 18 months).  Although I am struggling with seeing her go, I also know that she most certainly has become family through this beautiful Son-Rise “process” and will always be in our lives.  Her impending absence has brought on so much reflection of our 5-year journey with our very special child and the amazing life Son-Rise has given us in such a short 18 months.  This may seem an absurd statement to most, but I feel as if the universe has favored my family by giving us this very special child that ultimately set us on this exquisite path of growth and change.

I feel one of the biggest life lessons I have learned through my child and this program is the beauty of humanity.  Negativity is a such a focus all around us that it is easy to believe that it is all that exists, but I am here to tell you that there is a beauty beyond all of that.  It’s hard to see it because so many of us keep our needy selves tucked away, however, when you allow yourself to be open and vulnerable, it’s amazing the love and support that human beings are capable of and willing to give.

When I decided I was going to run a home-based Son-Rise program,  I was overwhelmed at the thought of recruiting volunteers.  My Son-Rise advisor told me, “You just have to ask!”  I thought to myself, she’s crazy!   Who in this world is going to give me 4 hours a week, be open enough to allow me (a stranger no less with no psych degree) to open them up through feedback and dialogue, AND commit to more than 6 months of this program for no payment!?  Well, turns out she was right!  What I found was that when you open yourself up to vulnerability, you give humanity a chance.  You are given the opportunity to see firsthand that there is so much love out there and such a willingness to help! This journey restored my faith in the goodness of people and the awareness that there is value in EVERY person.  This has allowed me to be wholeheartedly authentic and open without reservation or fear of judgement.

Many of our volunteers were complete strangers or at best acquaintances prior to their involvement in our program.   Strangers….whom we now consider family. They continually open up their hearts and give us their time, love, commitment and acceptance.  Another remarkable characteristic of being in this program is that our volunteers have to be willing to concretely look at themselves through the option dialogue process that takes place.  This is not an easy thing for anybody to do, to REALLY look into themselves.   This individual dialogue process really allows our volunteers to explore themselves and uncover their unique belief systems further enabling them to understand why they respond the way they do in the playroom and ultimately in life.  Self-awareness is the first step in creating what you want and mastering your life.  Our lives and our child’s life have been forever changed because of their desire, trust and dedication to this process.  Our volunteers have literally been an integral part in giving our family our life back through their ability to be committed, relatable, vulnerable and most of all their ability to love our child without judgement or condition.

So as I began to reflect on our last 18 months of this program,  I started to look at how many social goals we have actually met since inception.  I want to start by telling you that there were not what I consider concrete “social” goals on Luke’s school IEP, and it was rare for him to meet more than a handful of cognitive goals in a school year.   Most of the goals year over year were basically repeated and what I like to label as stretched.  For example, if Lucas could balance on one foot for 5 seconds, they would stretch it to 10 seconds the following year.  I would say Lucas probably hit 5 to 8 cognitive goals in a school year, with “social” goals almost always needing some sort of extension or further definition for the following year.  As a side note, I feel it is important to state that I don’t blame the schools for these short-comings.  Creating an environment where true social goals can naturally develop and flourish is difficult to integrate in this type of setting.  Additionally, there just isn’t enough resources, time and money in the budget to go around so that every child has the one-on-one attention that is needed to achieve this.

A pivotal moment in which I realized something needed to change for Lucas was while I was sitting in one of these monthly reviews of his progress in school.  I had bronchitis, barely had a voice and was literally fighting with administration to have a sensory swing hung for my son so he could regulate his body better while in class.  I remember thinking that something didn’t feel right even though Lucas was doing well in relation to his set goals.  I kept hearing myself make statements close to the following ( “Well that’s great that he can read at kindergarten level, but can he comprehend a book or does he even want to?”  “I’m happy he can ask for a toy in a prompted interaction, but does he play with it and does he have friends?”  “What good is any of this going to do him if he knows all these facts but can’t relate to another human being!”) and while doing so, I realized that if Lucas was going to have any hope of breaking through, we needed to focus on his biggest challenge, social connection.  This is when I went searching for what came to be the Son-Rise program.

A little background on the framework of the Son-Rise program.   It is entirely a child-centered, parent-directed, home-based, play-based social program.  There are 5 social stages within the program.  Once stage 5 is completed, your child is considered fully socially-integrated or let me utter the scandalous “R” word….recovered.  Each stage has about 35 to 40 goals falling under categories such as eye contact, communication (verbal and nonverbal), interactive attention span and flexibility.  It is the belief of this program that cognitive skills are more easily attained and understood by a child who is fully socially integrated and aware of why they learning these skills to begin with.  After observing Lucas in the school system for the prior 3 years, this piece of the program made such practical sense to me.

Since inception of the Son-Rise program, we as a team have focused on and successfully met 13 SOCIAL goals.  Lucas has generalized all goals met as well.  Generalization is when a child on the spectrum is able to take a skill they have learned and apply it to their general environment.  In ABA there is a whole generalization teaching process that takes place once a skill is acquired.  In Son-Rise generalization happens simultaneously and seamlessly without the need for any extra effort to do so.  Lucas has additionally hit 30 SOCIAL goals on his own just from growing within the program.  He is also emerging in an additional 32 SOCIAL goals!  To give you an idea of how far we have come socially, Lucas was tying up stage 1 when we started this program 18 months ago.  He is now emerging across the board on all stage 3 goals!

Let me paint you a not-so-technical picture of just how far we have come.  Prior to the Son-Rise program, Lucas had fleeting eye contact at best, little or no desire to interact, and was withdrawn most hours of the day.  He had constant behavioral issues such as scratching and hitting.  There were times he would literally chase after us or crawl across the table to physically hit or scratch us.  He would consistently leave cat-like scratch marks down our arms.  In fact I don’t think I wore short sleeves for the better part of 2 years.  He is most definitely not that child anymore!  So when I tell you he has made considerable strides, I mean it!  Lucas has begun playing outside of the playroom.  He is engaged.  He laughs every day.  He is affectionate and affection-seeking.  And he is HAPPY.  I would even use the word JOYOUS!!!!

So my advice is that when you are faced with those people in your life who use words such as can’t, impossible, impractical, unrealistic, unreasonable, etc.,  I suggest you turn the other way and continually and actively seek to surround yourself with the dreamers, the doers, and the ones who believe in you and light up when you talk about your dreams.  In my experience, this is how you embrace happiness and effect change in your life and the lives around you.

We are healing our son and he is making such strides because we have amazing volunteers and supporters who DREAM and DO right beside us in the face of adversity and naysayers who say autism is irreversible or hopeless.  We are proving them wrong every minute of every day.  Lucas has already far surpassed many of the things I was told he may never do and health-wise he has been healing from an autoimmune disease we were told would be near impossible to do.  As a dreamer and doer, I can tell you there will never be a ceiling as to where Lucas can go or what he can achieve.

THE POWER OF DREAMING BRINGS ABOUT HOPE, AND HOPE ACCOMPANIED WITH INTENTION CAN HAVE A POWERFUL EFFECT ON OUTCOME!

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My Farewell wish to Heather

Thank you so much for dreaming  and doing with us!  Please don’t forget your ability to leave a positive imprint on the lives of others.  Keep discovering your passions and acting on them.  I have no doubt that you will continue to inspire others with your thoughtful actions, lead a life that you can be proud of, and you will most definitely make your mark to better the world leaving a legacy of love for generations to come!

Your imprint on our family and Lucas will be forever visible and never forgotten.  We love you and wish you well on your next chapter in your life!

With Love and Forever Gratitude,

Shannon

I have included the video of your favorite interaction with Lucas!  Enjoy!

 

 

 

Giving Control – One of the most important factors in prioritizing interactions

16/03/21 at 2.11pm   /   by sdcarlson   /   0 Comment

Giving Control

Many modalities go against giving a child with autism control.   In fact, in ABA the child is rewarded once they succumb to our control techniques (such as asking for quiet hands, basket holds-which is holding a child so they are unable to move until they do not resist, requesting eye contact, etc.). The result is a seemingly compliant child that you are then able to teach cognitive and self-help skills, but as I found over time, what I was ending up with was a compliant child who would only do what I asked if he received a tangible reward.  As a result, Lucas was beginning to have little or no interest in being part of “our” world and the amount of affection/human connection he had began to dwindle.

Son-Rise gave me such a refreshingly different point of view in teaching and relating to my child.  

As Raun Kaufman puts it,

“You are, for better or for worse, your world’s ambassador, everything you do tells your child what it’s like to be part of your world.”

When we physically manipulate our children, it can work powerfully against the very rapport that is most crucial for their development and socialization.  We want our children to have a sense of autonomy and build up a rapport that will enable them to trust us, connect with us and give them a reason to want to be part of our world!  Stopping a child from doing something that helps them regulate themselves and rewarding them for it only establishes a state of dictatorship/compliance.  I wouldn’t want to socially relate to that person either.  I liken it to working a job with a boss you can’t stand.  Yes, you work for the paycheck, but you have a grudge toward the person making your life miserable.  It isn’t an enjoyable experience and the paycheck doesn’t make you want to be there, it only gives you incentive to stick around.  You most definitely aren’t going to be calling them your friend.  Autism is a social disorder and making ourselves out to be controlling and manipulative isn’t going to open our children to being more social.

When Lucas needs control in the playroom, we give it to him.  We never prioritize any particular goal over interactions with him.  The time period of when we hit any said goal doesn’t really matter in the scheme of things…….today, tomorrow, next week, what does it really matter?!  What matters is our ability to give our child the perception that our interactive world is one in which they can feel secure, where they are loved and one which is always approving.  Our priority is in our relationship with our child!

The past few weeks, Lucas has been using the word “no” quite a lot.  This is usually an indicator that he needs to feel more control in his playroom.  We as a team take a step back, put goals aside for a little while, and just join, celebrate, and love Lucas in his world.  We give him our full attention, love and acceptance.  We have done this once before while running the program, and I can tell you that when we did this, we saw the biggest breakthroughs and had more bonding as a result.

Here is a video of one of my sessions this week where Lucas was given full control.  As you can see the “no’s” have already become minimal and he is so affection-seeking and interactive as a result.   In fact, the clarity of his speech (one of our current goals) has been incredible.  Many of the common phrases we have been working on stretching and framing with clarity, Lucas has been independently doing since we have stepped back and made our relationship with him a priority.  Goals aside, these are the moments that matter.

He also has been really playful with me and enjoying just laughing with me and being silly. In this video, we are just playing off of each other’s sillyness shaking our heads.

 

Follow Your Dreams

16/03/12 at 9.37am   /   by sdcarlson   /   0 Comment

Follow your dreams image

Recently, I have really been reflecting on how far we have come since we started this program.  Lucas has hit every single goal I had dreamed for him when I was trained to begin our Son-Rise program just over a year ago.  Because of the effectiveness of this program, I have been so fortunate to keep on dreaming for my son.  Reflecting on just how far we have come is so important in reminding myself that there are no limitations as to where Lucas can go in the future.

I remember going to the Son-Rise Start Up in August of 2014 and leaving the campus at the end of the week with this renewed sense of hope, possibility, opportunity and awareness.  It was the most amazing experience to be given the gift to see my world around me and feel such contentment with things as they are.   I don’t think I had ever felt that level of contentment so completely in my life until that week. That one experience invariably changed me forever.  That is the power of Son-Rise and the gift of the Option Dialogue Process.

When I first arrived home from the start-up training, my son instantly began responding to me.  My energy was so different and he not only perceived it, but he immediately grew from it.  One of my “dreams” happened almost instantly upon my return.

The dream was to feel an intentional, heartfelt hug from my son.  He was not allowing me to even sit next to him at the time, so this dream felt lofty.  The ability to be unable to give or receive affection from my child was always something I struggled with.  I remember having conversations with my husband on a regular basis wondering if my son even loved me or knew who I was.  I felt like I was a means to an end to him, only there for his survival.  I truly felt so lost as a parent to him.  I didn’t even have a clue of how to reach him on an emotional basis.  Son-Rise opened my eyes to possibility.  In the initial 5 minutes of our first official Son-Rise session, Lucas did indeed hug me!  It was unsolicited and definitely unexpected.  When I began to join him for the first time, he looked at me in awe….as if he believed I finally saw, appreciated and loved him.  It was such a moving experience and one that touched me on a level I can’t even begin to explain or convey.  It was additionally a major indicator to me at the time of what energy, love, focus, hope, intention and acceptance can precipitate.

At the end of the week at start-up, they asked us to write a letter to our child with our new eyes and profound sense of awareness, hope and love for our children.  I often reread this letter to keep me in that place and to remind me of everything I learned while at that magical mountain-top in Massachusetts.  A written documentary of what is truly important to me in my journey with my child and it continually allows me to stay focused on what my true intentions and feelings are for him.  This letter reflects seeing my son in a new light and it came from the most loving, accepting side of myself.  I shared this letter at the beginning of our journey with you all, but would love to share it with you all again.  So here goes…..

“My sweet boy,

I knew when you were first put in my arms that I was going to love you anyways, without you even doing anything. My life was changed in that moment. You have inspired in me a love so deep that I can hardly describe it.

I look at you and see this beautiful human being that I am so privileged to call my son. You have taught me so much about myself and have made me a better person, a better spouse, a better friend and most of all a better mother. You have taught me patience, kindness, laughter, self-acceptance, and real love, the kind one only dreams of feeling, without limitation or reservation. The most perfect love.

You, my little bug, are one of the very best things that have happened to me.

For you, my sweetheart, I just wish happiness and the feeling of love and acceptance. There is no limit to what you can do or be, and the biggest gift you have given me, my darling, is to watch you do it.

I will always be here to cheer for you when you achieve, to catch you when you fall and to hold you when you hurt.

Please know that because of you, I am. I love you my precious boy and will always be your biggest fan.

With all my heart,

Mom”

Lucas has been progressing so rapidly as a result of this program that my husband and I actually sat down recently to have “the talk” about what we do when he actually recovers.  As a parent of a very special child, I can tell you that uttering the words “recovery” is a very brave endeavor.  We have always believed recovery was possible, but to actually see it unfolding is another thing entirely and to admit it out loud is incomprehensible to me still.

We have spent the last 4 years trying to heal our son’s body and we are finally seeing results.  Lucas was on over 12 prescribed medications a year ago.  We are down to two and I am happy to say that we will be cutting those in the next month or so.  Physically, he is maintaining, thriving, gaining weight and doing fabulously.  Failure to thrive is no longer a diagnosis on his medical chart!

Cognitively, he is consistently growing.  He is relating, loving those around him and making strides every moment of every day.   He has a sense of humor, loves to laugh and make people laugh.   We don’t know when recovery will happen, but we can now clearly see it as a real possibility in his future.

So, I wanted to share a few videos of me with my sweet guy this week.  the first video I am sharing, we are just having fun here, playing a simple game of peekaboo…..something I never got to experience with him as a toddler.  It’s as if he has finally hit all of the developments that happen in those Terrible twos and threes that everyone goes on about.  I am loving every second of it.  Well….most every second.  Being the size of an 8 year old, he has the ability to get into so much more than the average toddler.  LOL.

The second video, we are working on simple gestures and having so much fun doing it!  An exciting development is that I am finding that Lucas is so easily participating in our fun and the motivation is so much easier to build.  Therefore he is hitting these goals so much more consistently.  He is just enjoying himself and going with it!  Many of these gestures are coming as they should be…..naturally!

 

An Accepting Attitude: The Critical Element

16/03/05 at 1.33pm   /   by sdcarlson   /   0 Comment

Truly accepting a person or a set of circumstances feels like letting go in the most gentle and liberating way, a joyful movement inward that frees us from unhappiness.  Unencumbered by the judgements which cause anxiety, anger and fear, we find a reservoir of energy more expansive than ever imagined.

Barry Neil Kaufman

I often think about how people respond when I tell them about my son’s disability and the many hurdles we have overcome in raising him.  I will generally get responses of pity and/or sometimes I will be painted as this saint mother.  Neither of these responses ever seem to fit how I view my experience.

My experience has left me feeling fortunate and incredibly blessed.  If there is going to be anyone  who pushes you out of your comfort zone and inspires growth and change, it is going to be your child.  Without Lucas and his beautiful nature, I would not have discovered the unrelenting power in choosing happiness and making it a priority, creating and discarding beliefs to support me, truly being present, being authentic, and letting go of judgements therefore allowing myself to be more loving and accepting of not only myself but of those around me.   In opening myself to loving and accepting my child for who he is, he has inevitably given me the gift of true happiness!

I love the following quote from Jean Vanier on “Becoming Human”

The belief in the inner beauty of each and every human being is at the heart of being human… We do not discover who we are, we do not reach true humanness, in a solitary state; we discover it through mutual dependency, in weakness, in learning through belonging.

Persons with intellectual and developmental disabilities, through their own vulnerability, often have a special gift for touching our hearts. They invite us into relationship and into revealing our humanness.

So you see, in my journey of accepting and loving my child, I have had the privilege of realizing the trueness of this statement.  It is the beauty of the humanness around us that fulfills us, makes us whole.  Nothing else.

People generally don’t know how to respond to me when I genuinely say these things.  Of course, I am human and am not always this fountain of happiness spewing these awesome thoughts all day.  Life with a special needs child can be challenging.  However, I am consistently aware of my ability to choose my feelings for the day and many times the challenging part, in actuality, stems from a self-limiting belief that I created….one I have the ability to change if I choose to do so.  As I practice many of these lessons I have learned, my ability to practice what I preach happens with more ease.  I can honestly say I choose happiness and supporting thoughts exponentially more now than I did before I had a child with a disability.

So how does this all relate to our program?

Our attitude has an immense impact on how our children respond in this program.  Our volunteers go into the playroom in a truly relaxed, nonjudgmental, playful and welcoming way.  It is because of this attitude, that Lucas is able to feel safe.  As a result, he connects more, is more flexible, and responds more to our requests.  This is why we have seen such enormous growth in him in just a year.

The first video is a sweet interaction with Lucas.  Our volunteer is working on expanding his language and he just wants to be close to her.  The second video, she is working on simple gestures and when Lucas realizes that she is sad and that his clapping would make her happy,  he claps for her.

Lucas has really been in tune to the feelings of those around him and realizing that he has an impact on our feelings.  He genuinely wants us to be happy.  He will put his head on my chest when I pretend to be sad because I want a hug.  He regularly shows pity when he perceives I am really angry with something he has done.  It’s truly remarkable.  Doesn’t sound like autism, does it?!

 

The Power of Choice

16/02/23 at 12.16pm   /   by sdcarlson   /   0 Comment

blog feb 23

Realizing that we have the power to choose our emotions in response to events is pivotal in understanding our ability to create change in the way we navigate happiness or unhappiness in our lives.  Happiness comes from within and the choices we make create the experiences we have.

We can find peace in emotional pain because the emotions we feel are entirely our choice.  None of us are victims of our emotions.  No event or person can emotionally “make” us feel a certain way.  For example, I may tell someone that they made me upset because of something they said or didn’t say, but in reality that  person can’t make me be upset.  However, my belief that they did something that I felt was wrong can.  My belief gives power to how I choose to respond and feel.

We freely choose to assign an emotion to any given event.  We cannot control whatever stimuli is thrown in our direction, but we CAN control how we respond to it.   This is significant because in situations where one might decide to feel powerless, hurt, or defeated in response to an event or what they perceive as a negative stimuli in their life, one can instead reevaluate what is happening to them and pick an emotion that allows them to feel supported, comforted, and powerful.   The power of choice and reflection can bring about cognizance of how a particular stimulus makes you feel which in turn allows for self-awareness and self-evolvement.

Making a choice to respond differently takes a high degree of awareness, attention and persistence, but you CAN choose differently.   Emotions are often reactions.  WE give them power.  Begin to recognize your own emotions as choices, as things that you do.   And watch how you grow….

The choice to look at our son and choose emotions of awe and amazement instead of fear, dread, or doom has given us all the opportunity to discover a level of joy and happiness that only comes from an outlook of optimism and gratefulness.  I don’t know where we would be today if we had not been fortunate enough to realize the power in making this choice.  We have been able to cultivate an environment where there are no hidden agendas or a need to be successful in order to be loved and accepted.  This has given Lucas the support and complete freedom to reach for the stars without fear of failure or judgement.  As a result, amazing things have happened!

Lucas has evolved so much since we started this program.  He is now having simple 3 or 4 looped conversations with us, playing in and out of the playroom, feeling embarrassment (so huge!!!), and beginning to enjoy aspects of imaginary play.

I have so many videos to choose from.  I wish you all had the time to watch all of them.  I spend each week trying to decide which one to focus on.  I decided to focus on imaginary play this week.

A little history:

I remember scripting imaginary play with Lucas 5 years ago through ABA.  So for example we would model 5 or 6 actions/sentences to say with figurines/playhouse and for each action or vocalization  that he would copy, Lucas would receive an edible treat (his “reinforcer”).  I remember crying in response to seeing my son “play” this way the first time he did it.  It was the closest thing I had ever seen to actual play at that time.  Mind you there was never a light in his eye from enjoyment (other than the receipt of the treat of course) and he still never took to actually playing with toys as a result of this activity.

Through Son-Rise methods, we have found no need for scripting or reinforcers in our play because we create an environment where the imaginary play itself is the motivating part (reinforcer).  The amount of creativity, enthusiasm, excitement, and energy our team brings to the room in order to inspire Lucas to grow is immense.   Through joining and really tuning into his motivations in each individual session, we are given clues as to how to best relate to Lucas and make our play fun, engaging and enticing. The exciting part is that Lucas is now  creating his own imaginary play!  He will ask for dog and cat tickles.  He will ask for the same blanket to be a tent, a fort, a car, a train, a bus.  The light in his eyes is present and he is most definitely delighting in play!

These two videos are about 3 to 4 minutes in totality, but so worth watching. I’ve included both because I think it is important to see the transition our volunteer takes into imaginary play (from a tickle request, to counting down to the tickle, to creating a rocket ship experience!) and additionally so fun  to see Lucas actively engaged!  This is significant because a year ago, even a few months ago, Lucas would’ve watched for maybe a second and then went back to doing an ism (stim).

 

 

 

 

 

Gratitude – The shortcut to happiness

16/02/16 at 10.28am   /   by sdcarlson   /   0 Comment

grateful

To be grateful means not only to delight, enjoy and appreciate, but also to recognize simultaneously the blessing and the wonder of an experience.  In such moments there is only happiness.

– Barry Neil Kaufman (excerpted from his book, Happiness is a Choice)

Gratitude means learning to live your life as if everything were a miracle, and being aware on a continuous basis of how much you’ve been given.  The benefits of practicing gratitude are endless.  People who regularly practice gratitude, by taking time to notice and reflect upon the things they are thankful for, experience more positive emotions, feel more alive, express more compassion and kindness, and even have longer, healthier lives.

It is important to be grateful for not only the momentous things, but for the little, insignificant trifles as well.  So instead of broadly saying, “I am grateful to be alive today,” which is a general overall statement, really and truly  focusing on small, specific things such as  waking up in a warm bed, enjoying the taste of a really good cup of coffee, the smile on your loved one’s face, etc.  The list goes on.  There is always SOMETHING to be grateful for.

“Whenever we think we have lost our way or have noticed joy to be absent from our daily endeavors, we can look around and find a host of things, events or people to appreciate.  If we make the items specific, we will never exhaust the resources with which to fuel our gratitude.  ” – Barry Neil Kaufman

The Son-Rise lesson of being grateful has a major impact on choosing happiness and creating beliefs and thoughts that fuel happiness in our lives.  When a parent is told their child has a disability, a mountain out of nowhere appears of what they are NOT currently doing.  All of sudden you feel like there is this gaping hole of things that your child does not do compared to their peers.  The point is not the list of can’t do’s, it is the focus that is put on it.  You have this tally of how far they are behind the typical peer and a list of steps that they need to check off to get there.  As each year passes, you get further behind and more desperate to “catch up.”  This focus on what’s missing fuels such unhappiness and you begin to feel like your happiness is dependent upon your child hitting these insignificant listed goals.

Son-Rise taught us differently.  By bringing gratitude to the forefront of our experiences, we no longer need to wait for a positive experience to happen in order to feel grateful.  We are able to feel joy and happiness in every moment with our child and can enjoy each and every challenge that our child meets without worrying if he’ll measure up to his peers.

I have personally become grateful for my son’s autism.  His disability has been my biggest inspiration to grow as a person and I feel more complete and intact because of it.  He has given me the opportunity to see life from an entirely different point of view and to appreciate the beauty of true humanness.  I have learned that each person is unique and of sacred value.   This has taught me to unconditionally love not only those around me but myself as well.  None of us measure up to something in our heads and taking that measurement out of the picture has opened up more opportunities for my son and our family to grow in ways that I never could’ve imagined.  The most important development has been that Lucas is truly happy.  He has a smile on his face most of the time.  He has also tremendously grown physically, cognitively, socially and emotionally.

We have also learned the value of seeing an opportunity in what may seem like a challenge.  Being especially grateful in these moments stretches, changes and allows us to grow.  For example, my thoughts have become something like the following:

-Lucas is throwing a fit….Great, I love that he’s trying to communicate with me!  What an opportunity to help him communicate more effectively!

-He keeps taking his coat off.  Wow!  Look at those self help skills.  A month ago he didn’t have the dexterity to undress himself!

-He is button-pushing.  Wow!  Look at how intelligent he is that he is testing ways on how to get what he wants!

It really is that simple…..when you practice gratitude in everything you encounter, you embrace happiness!

On the note of gratitude, I am grateful for all those who follow our journey with our sweet boy.  I am also so unbelievably grateful for all the beautiful people we have been blessed to get to know because of Lucas and Son-Rise, most importantly our volunteers.  Here is a sweet moment of Lucas asking our volunteer to sit with him.  A year ago, true communication was rare and infrequent.   He didn’t contribute much to any interaction physically or verbally.  Luke also rarely allowed someone to be near him.  We are thankful for our volunteers’ commitment to our son.  They have given us so many of the special moments I am now able to share with all of you.  So many moments to appreciate and in doing so, our volunteers have in an essence contributed very largely to our happiness!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unhappiness does not exist in the present

16/02/09 at 9.55am   /   by sdcarlson   /   0 Comment

Lucas Present

OUR KIDS DON’T NEED OUR WORRY

by Raun K. Kaufman
“A great many of us spend a lot of time and mental energy worrying about our kids with ‪autism‬. Certainly, given all the messages we receive about our children’s supposedly doomed or difficult future, no one could fault us for our apprehension.
In The ‪‎SonRiseProgram‬, we focus a lot on the emotions and attitudes of the parents because they bring something truly special and valuable to their children’s treatment. And because, over and over again, we see that when the parents change and grow, their kids change and grow.
One of the things many parents that I’ve worked with have told me is that they worry so much because it keeps them alert and motivated to do everything in their power to avoid a future they don’t want for their special children. In practice, though, I see worry distract us from helping our kids in the here and now – and make us far less appealing to the very children we are endeavoring to entice into our world.
If there is one thing (among many!) that I’ve learned from the parents I’ve worked with, it’s this:
If you want to take care of your child’s future, take care of your child’s present. (That requires actually BEING present.)”

 

Learning to be present, not just in the playroom, but in life has been a lesson from Lucas and this program that has opened me up to so much happiness and gratitude.  Unhappiness does not exist in the present.  It only exists when you are reflecting or regretting about something in the past or worrying about something in the future.  Bears Kaufman included a quote referencing a picture of an old man in his book, Happiness is a Choice,  that I will never forget.  The quote is, “I have worried about many things in my life….most of which never happened.”  I can totally relate to this quote, and still consistently have to remind myself to remain in the present.

Many times I will look up at the sky, take a deep breath and take in all that is around me.  This practice always thwarts me into the present and allows me to take in the beauty of the life around me and to be amazed.  We tend to be so scheduled these days that being present seems impossible and we also seem to have more unhappy people as a result.  Unhappiness cannot happen if we truly stay in the moment.

Really, truly being present with Lucas in the playroom has given so much insight as to who he is and to understand him.  I believe this is one of the reasons, he is relating to me and all of the beautiful people in our Son-Rise program.  There are so many exciting things happening right now for Lucas.  He is really engaging in imaginative play and his sense of humor is exploding.  He is loving making us laugh and the quality of his interactions with us is beyond what my imagination could even hold when I started this program a little over a year ago.

This video is seriously hilarious.  Lucas is instigating a reaction out of our volunteer but in such a playful manner.  He is showing that he wants to be funny and that he is relating to us as much as we are to him.  Enjoy!