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  • What is the Son-Rise Program?
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Our Son-Rise Journey

Giving Control – One of the most important factors in prioritizing interactions

16/03/21 at 2.11pm   /   by sdcarlson   /   0 Comment

Giving Control

Many modalities go against giving a child with autism control.   In fact, in ABA the child is rewarded once they succumb to our control techniques (such as asking for quiet hands, basket holds-which is holding a child so they are unable to move until they do not resist, requesting eye contact, etc.). The result is a seemingly compliant child that you are then able to teach cognitive and self-help skills, but as I found over time, what I was ending up with was a compliant child who would only do what I asked if he received a tangible reward.  As a result, Lucas was beginning to have little or no interest in being part of “our” world and the amount of affection/human connection he had began to dwindle.

Son-Rise gave me such a refreshingly different point of view in teaching and relating to my child.  

As Raun Kaufman puts it,

“You are, for better or for worse, your world’s ambassador, everything you do tells your child what it’s like to be part of your world.”

When we physically manipulate our children, it can work powerfully against the very rapport that is most crucial for their development and socialization.  We want our children to have a sense of autonomy and build up a rapport that will enable them to trust us, connect with us and give them a reason to want to be part of our world!  Stopping a child from doing something that helps them regulate themselves and rewarding them for it only establishes a state of dictatorship/compliance.  I wouldn’t want to socially relate to that person either.  I liken it to working a job with a boss you can’t stand.  Yes, you work for the paycheck, but you have a grudge toward the person making your life miserable.  It isn’t an enjoyable experience and the paycheck doesn’t make you want to be there, it only gives you incentive to stick around.  You most definitely aren’t going to be calling them your friend.  Autism is a social disorder and making ourselves out to be controlling and manipulative isn’t going to open our children to being more social.

When Lucas needs control in the playroom, we give it to him.  We never prioritize any particular goal over interactions with him.  The time period of when we hit any said goal doesn’t really matter in the scheme of things…….today, tomorrow, next week, what does it really matter?!  What matters is our ability to give our child the perception that our interactive world is one in which they can feel secure, where they are loved and one which is always approving.  Our priority is in our relationship with our child!

The past few weeks, Lucas has been using the word “no” quite a lot.  This is usually an indicator that he needs to feel more control in his playroom.  We as a team take a step back, put goals aside for a little while, and just join, celebrate, and love Lucas in his world.  We give him our full attention, love and acceptance.  We have done this once before while running the program, and I can tell you that when we did this, we saw the biggest breakthroughs and had more bonding as a result.

Here is a video of one of my sessions this week where Lucas was given full control.  As you can see the “no’s” have already become minimal and he is so affection-seeking and interactive as a result.   In fact, the clarity of his speech (one of our current goals) has been incredible.  Many of the common phrases we have been working on stretching and framing with clarity, Lucas has been independently doing since we have stepped back and made our relationship with him a priority.  Goals aside, these are the moments that matter.

https://youtu.be/iOuS5CQFX5w

He also has been really playful with me and enjoying just laughing with me and being silly. In this video, we are just playing off of each other’s sillyness shaking our heads.

https://youtu.be/_eNiNDP9qB0

 

Follow Your Dreams

16/03/12 at 9.37am   /   by sdcarlson   /   0 Comment

Follow your dreams image

Recently, I have really been reflecting on how far we have come since we started this program.  Lucas has hit every single goal I had dreamed for him when I was trained to begin our Son-Rise program just over a year ago.  Because of the effectiveness of this program, I have been so fortunate to keep on dreaming for my son.  Reflecting on just how far we have come is so important in reminding myself that there are no limitations as to where Lucas can go in the future.

I remember going to the Son-Rise Start Up in August of 2014 and leaving the campus at the end of the week with this renewed sense of hope, possibility, opportunity and awareness.  It was the most amazing experience to be given the gift to see my world around me and feel such contentment with things as they are.   I don’t think I had ever felt that level of contentment so completely in my life until that week. That one experience invariably changed me forever.  That is the power of Son-Rise and the gift of the Option Dialogue Process.

When I first arrived home from the start-up training, my son instantly began responding to me.  My energy was so different and he not only perceived it, but he immediately grew from it.  One of my “dreams” happened almost instantly upon my return.

The dream was to feel an intentional, heartfelt hug from my son.  He was not allowing me to even sit next to him at the time, so this dream felt lofty.  The ability to be unable to give or receive affection from my child was always something I struggled with.  I remember having conversations with my husband on a regular basis wondering if my son even loved me or knew who I was.  I felt like I was a means to an end to him, only there for his survival.  I truly felt so lost as a parent to him.  I didn’t even have a clue of how to reach him on an emotional basis.  Son-Rise opened my eyes to possibility.  In the initial 5 minutes of our first official Son-Rise session, Lucas did indeed hug me!  It was unsolicited and definitely unexpected.  When I began to join him for the first time, he looked at me in awe….as if he believed I finally saw, appreciated and loved him.  It was such a moving experience and one that touched me on a level I can’t even begin to explain or convey.  It was additionally a major indicator to me at the time of what energy, love, focus, hope, intention and acceptance can precipitate.

At the end of the week at start-up, they asked us to write a letter to our child with our new eyes and profound sense of awareness, hope and love for our children.  I often reread this letter to keep me in that place and to remind me of everything I learned while at that magical mountain-top in Massachusetts.  A written documentary of what is truly important to me in my journey with my child and it continually allows me to stay focused on what my true intentions and feelings are for him.  This letter reflects seeing my son in a new light and it came from the most loving, accepting side of myself.  I shared this letter at the beginning of our journey with you all, but would love to share it with you all again.  So here goes…..

“My sweet boy,

I knew when you were first put in my arms that I was going to love you anyways, without you even doing anything. My life was changed in that moment. You have inspired in me a love so deep that I can hardly describe it.

I look at you and see this beautiful human being that I am so privileged to call my son. You have taught me so much about myself and have made me a better person, a better spouse, a better friend and most of all a better mother. You have taught me patience, kindness, laughter, self-acceptance, and real love, the kind one only dreams of feeling, without limitation or reservation. The most perfect love.

You, my little bug, are one of the very best things that have happened to me.

For you, my sweetheart, I just wish happiness and the feeling of love and acceptance. There is no limit to what you can do or be, and the biggest gift you have given me, my darling, is to watch you do it.

I will always be here to cheer for you when you achieve, to catch you when you fall and to hold you when you hurt.

Please know that because of you, I am. I love you my precious boy and will always be your biggest fan.

With all my heart,

Mom”

Lucas has been progressing so rapidly as a result of this program that my husband and I actually sat down recently to have “the talk” about what we do when he actually recovers.  As a parent of a very special child, I can tell you that uttering the words “recovery” is a very brave endeavor.  We have always believed recovery was possible, but to actually see it unfolding is another thing entirely and to admit it out loud is incomprehensible to me still.

We have spent the last 4 years trying to heal our son’s body and we are finally seeing results.  Lucas was on over 12 prescribed medications a year ago.  We are down to two and I am happy to say that we will be cutting those in the next month or so.  Physically, he is maintaining, thriving, gaining weight and doing fabulously.  Failure to thrive is no longer a diagnosis on his medical chart!

Cognitively, he is consistently growing.  He is relating, loving those around him and making strides every moment of every day.   He has a sense of humor, loves to laugh and make people laugh.   We don’t know when recovery will happen, but we can now clearly see it as a real possibility in his future.

So, I wanted to share a few videos of me with my sweet guy this week.  the first video I am sharing, we are just having fun here, playing a simple game of peekaboo…..something I never got to experience with him as a toddler.  It’s as if he has finally hit all of the developments that happen in those Terrible twos and threes that everyone goes on about.  I am loving every second of it.  Well….most every second.  Being the size of an 8 year old, he has the ability to get into so much more than the average toddler.  LOL.

The second video, we are working on simple gestures and having so much fun doing it!  An exciting development is that I am finding that Lucas is so easily participating in our fun and the motivation is so much easier to build.  Therefore he is hitting these goals so much more consistently.  He is just enjoying himself and going with it!  Many of these gestures are coming as they should be…..naturally!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLoI7RZmZ1U

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5g3u8XvEK0Q

 

An Accepting Attitude: The Critical Element

16/03/05 at 1.33pm   /   by sdcarlson   /   0 Comment

Truly accepting a person or a set of circumstances feels like letting go in the most gentle and liberating way, a joyful movement inward that frees us from unhappiness.  Unencumbered by the judgements which cause anxiety, anger and fear, we find a reservoir of energy more expansive than ever imagined.

Barry Neil Kaufman

I often think about how people respond when I tell them about my son’s disability and the many hurdles we have overcome in raising him.  I will generally get responses of pity and/or sometimes I will be painted as this saint mother.  Neither of these responses ever seem to fit how I view my experience.

My experience has left me feeling fortunate and incredibly blessed.  If there is going to be anyone  who pushes you out of your comfort zone and inspires growth and change, it is going to be your child.  Without Lucas and his beautiful nature, I would not have discovered the unrelenting power in choosing happiness and making it a priority, creating and discarding beliefs to support me, truly being present, being authentic, and letting go of judgements therefore allowing myself to be more loving and accepting of not only myself but of those around me.   In opening myself to loving and accepting my child for who he is, he has inevitably given me the gift of true happiness!

I love the following quote from Jean Vanier on “Becoming Human”

The belief in the inner beauty of each and every human being is at the heart of being human… We do not discover who we are, we do not reach true humanness, in a solitary state; we discover it through mutual dependency, in weakness, in learning through belonging.

Persons with intellectual and developmental disabilities, through their own vulnerability, often have a special gift for touching our hearts. They invite us into relationship and into revealing our humanness.

So you see, in my journey of accepting and loving my child, I have had the privilege of realizing the trueness of this statement.  It is the beauty of the humanness around us that fulfills us, makes us whole.  Nothing else.

People generally don’t know how to respond to me when I genuinely say these things.  Of course, I am human and am not always this fountain of happiness spewing these awesome thoughts all day.  Life with a special needs child can be challenging.  However, I am consistently aware of my ability to choose my feelings for the day and many times the challenging part, in actuality, stems from a self-limiting belief that I created….one I have the ability to change if I choose to do so.  As I practice many of these lessons I have learned, my ability to practice what I preach happens with more ease.  I can honestly say I choose happiness and supporting thoughts exponentially more now than I did before I had a child with a disability.

So how does this all relate to our program?

Our attitude has an immense impact on how our children respond in this program.  Our volunteers go into the playroom in a truly relaxed, nonjudgmental, playful and welcoming way.  It is because of this attitude, that Lucas is able to feel safe.  As a result, he connects more, is more flexible, and responds more to our requests.  This is why we have seen such enormous growth in him in just a year.

The first video is a sweet interaction with Lucas.  Our volunteer is working on expanding his language and he just wants to be close to her.  The second video, she is working on simple gestures and when Lucas realizes that she is sad and that his clapping would make her happy,  he claps for her.

Lucas has really been in tune to the feelings of those around him and realizing that he has an impact on our feelings.  He genuinely wants us to be happy.  He will put his head on my chest when I pretend to be sad because I want a hug.  He regularly shows pity when he perceives I am really angry with something he has done.  It’s truly remarkable.  Doesn’t sound like autism, does it?!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3dfzedPOcw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXjilhDbrmY

 

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  • Featured Post -The Dreamers and the Doers (Our 18-month Son-rise Progress Update)
  • Why Son-Rise?
  • What is the Son-Rise Program?
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  • Fox News Interview with Raun Kaufman – CEO
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